Independence Day

Today is Independence Day. Its just a coincidence but I have decided today to gain my independence from drugs and alcohol. Talk about being sick and tired of being sick and tired, well I'm sick...and tired. I am slowly destroying myself and if I don't do something quick....I'll be going in the hole real soon. You name it, I've done it. I am an addict. I need help. It's 4 o'clock in the morning and I am up because I can't sleep. I am so disgusted with myself that I can only toss and turn. I thought I had the alcohol addiction under control, mainly because I just can't handle it anymore. Between my brain injury and the medication I'm on, the littlest bit of alcohol just makes me fall down and pass out. I haven't had whiskey for quite some time but I have drank beer recently. I make cruel phone calls, talk jibberish and become angry. I just replace one addiction for another one.
I will admit my addiction today to someone that I trust and seek ways to cleanse my system, improve my thoughts, actions and deeds. I have tried many times before but not quite this way, not quite this earnest, not quite as desperate.
My health is not that good and I will eventually, slowly, painfully destroy my body if I don't reach out, admit my addictions and change my lifestyle real soon.
My addictions have caused me to be selfish, uncaring , unloving, angry, confused, unmotivated, and just generally not a very nice person.
I have put myself in dangerous situations while under the influence but worse...put others in danger.
I have lied, cheated and stole to feed my addictions. I have destroyed jobs, relationships, reputation and futures.
I must start a new future today because my old future looks very grim.
I know that I must be honest with myself and others. That has always been a difficult thing for me but it is my only hope.
Sometimes my body and my attitude is so burnt out that it seems like there is little flicker left.
I don't expect to rebuild some relationships soon, some maybe never. But I must at least try. Some of the blame that I put on others destroying our relationship should have been on me. But my addictions clouded my thinking so much that it was just easier blaming others. I am still at war but I am the enemy. No one has hurt me more than I have.
I am very lucky to have the relationships that I do but I will destroy them if I don't change.
I have to get this off of my chest and I have never put it in writing before. I have to do something different this time and I have to do it today. I have had very good parents and many opportunities. I don't know how I got this way but I have to rewire. Sometimes I have good intentions and good thoughts but I am not consistent. Whether I live a day, a week or more I can't live being so disgusted with my self. Every day is worse than the last.
Maybe I will gain my independence this time. Like I said, its only a coincidence today is the 4th of July. Its an inside job and I start now.