He's Baaaaaaack!

Feel like I went out of my mind for a few days and it wasn't a good feeling. Felt that feeling before...didn't like it then and still don't like it. Gotta stick real close to the plan because sanity and serenity are very slippery items for me and can slip out of my grasp real easily. Gotta hold on with both hands, Bible under my arm, prayer in my heart and just don't let the mind race and lips flap. Thats whats been working for me for the last few weeks so gotta kick it up a notch. Its a good example for me how easy it is to lose ground fast. Everything works out like its supposed to anyway so it doesn't do any good for me to try to orchestrate anything. I can't control myself let alone try to control anyone else. I know that Mary and Pete will slowly but surely see the gradual change in me. Maybe Matt saw a little of that this weekend. They have seen and heard it all before. A lot of stuff that never came to be.
Had a real good day with Matt and Theresa Saturday. Had long meaningful conversations and that felt good. I listened and didn't have to fake it because I really wanted to know what the other person had on their mind instead of wanting them to hear what I had on mine. I realized more how little I knew about what was going on in Matts life. I have to go at 'reentry' slowly. Because like the shuttle I could burn up. I'm owed very little and have to earn the kids respect again.
Was glad to hear a little good news from the VA today and hope to hear more this week. Felt a little out of sorts today but it hit 100 so it was a little warm. Worked at Bread of Life today but just felt I didn't really contribute that much. It was so hot for everyone else too and just felt I could do more. Kept on asking so I guess I was doing OK. They know all they have to do is ask me. I try to offer encouragement to the homeless but I know its sometimes hard for them to listen. I had a real bad listening problem too. Not a hearing problem, a listening problem. I have to pray and listen and learn to be a better minister to 'those people' because I feel like one of them, I know I am. I just have safer place to lay my head at night and more food. I'm seeing what God is doing for me when I let Him. I'm going to zero in on one person next week and try to develop a closer relationship and try to know more about him. I don't know who that person is yet but I think that is where I can do the best. Not to ignore anyone but to try to do more for just one person at a time. I know that some of the folks are not truly homeless. Some have big-time substance abuse problems and for some its emotional and mental. I have to learn the right questions to ask and how to ask them. I want to help someone who is sleeping under the viaduct or in the park but I don't want to do more harm than help. Today was just a bad day for everyone and hopefully next week I can do more. I want to make a difference and today I feel like I just didn't make a difference. Maybe I did by washing some pots and pans and sharing a friendly word but I should be able to do more. I need somehow to get more active in the planning and preparation too.
Its 1:30 AM. I have a lot of days like this now and I guess thats alright. Better than being drunk and passed out. Gonna read now for a little while and I'm sure I'll fall aleep in Dads chair. Thats OK. Just gonna take it easy today, gonna be another hot one so I'll stay real close to the AC. Nap. Eat. Read. Pray. Brushing the cat is as hard as I plan on working today.