My Dad used to invent words. You wouldn't find them in any dictionary and nobody else used them. We knew what they meant and even when he would invent a new word, one that we had never heard before, the first time he used it... we understood it.
Maybe other people didn't understand them but we did. He probably got the skill from his stepmother because she invented words too.
I was an early reader, read a lot when I was young, did well in school and had a rapid grasp of spelling, pronounciation and grammar.
Sometimes I wanted to say "Dad, thats not a word but on second thought changed my mind. I didn't always have a second thought. Very often I acted on the first thought.
Sometimes its better to act on the first thought and sometimes its better to act on the second thought. The bad part about it is when you make a mistake its usually too late to change it.
Now I keep my mouth shut when I hear a new word. New to me...it may have been around for ages....I just never heard it, saw it or used it.
I heard a new word today. I thought it was kind of like one of those words my Dad used to invent but luckily I acted on the second thought. The beauty of computers is I can look it up in seconds. I don't even have to pull out the dictionary, flip through thousands of pages, look down the column and then double-check to see if I spelled it right. I can go to Google and if I don't find it there (and if its a word I usually find it there) there are other places where I can check.
The word........intentionality.....I should have learned that one a long time ago.
Friday, August 04, 2006
Monday, July 31, 2006
He's Baaaaaaack!
Feel like I went out of my mind for a few days and it wasn't a good feeling. Felt that feeling before...didn't like it then and still don't like it. Gotta stick real close to the plan because sanity and serenity are very slippery items for me and can slip out of my grasp real easily. Gotta hold on with both hands, Bible under my arm, prayer in my heart and just don't let the mind race and lips flap. Thats whats been working for me for the last few weeks so gotta kick it up a notch. Its a good example for me how easy it is to lose ground fast. Everything works out like its supposed to anyway so it doesn't do any good for me to try to orchestrate anything. I can't control myself let alone try to control anyone else. I know that Mary and Pete will slowly but surely see the gradual change in me. Maybe Matt saw a little of that this weekend. They have seen and heard it all before. A lot of stuff that never came to be.
Had a real good day with Matt and Theresa Saturday. Had long meaningful conversations and that felt good. I listened and didn't have to fake it because I really wanted to know what the other person had on their mind instead of wanting them to hear what I had on mine. I realized more how little I knew about what was going on in Matts life. I have to go at 'reentry' slowly. Because like the shuttle I could burn up. I'm owed very little and have to earn the kids respect again.
Was glad to hear a little good news from the VA today and hope to hear more this week. Felt a little out of sorts today but it hit 100 so it was a little warm. Worked at Bread of Life today but just felt I didn't really contribute that much. It was so hot for everyone else too and just felt I could do more. Kept on asking so I guess I was doing OK. They know all they have to do is ask me. I try to offer encouragement to the homeless but I know its sometimes hard for them to listen. I had a real bad listening problem too. Not a hearing problem, a listening problem. I have to pray and listen and learn to be a better minister to 'those people' because I feel like one of them, I know I am. I just have safer place to lay my head at night and more food. I'm seeing what God is doing for me when I let Him. I'm going to zero in on one person next week and try to develop a closer relationship and try to know more about him. I don't know who that person is yet but I think that is where I can do the best. Not to ignore anyone but to try to do more for just one person at a time. I know that some of the folks are not truly homeless. Some have big-time substance abuse problems and for some its emotional and mental. I have to learn the right questions to ask and how to ask them. I want to help someone who is sleeping under the viaduct or in the park but I don't want to do more harm than help. Today was just a bad day for everyone and hopefully next week I can do more. I want to make a difference and today I feel like I just didn't make a difference. Maybe I did by washing some pots and pans and sharing a friendly word but I should be able to do more. I need somehow to get more active in the planning and preparation too.
Its 1:30 AM. I have a lot of days like this now and I guess thats alright. Better than being drunk and passed out. Gonna read now for a little while and I'm sure I'll fall aleep in Dads chair. Thats OK. Just gonna take it easy today, gonna be another hot one so I'll stay real close to the AC. Nap. Eat. Read. Pray. Brushing the cat is as hard as I plan on working today.
Had a real good day with Matt and Theresa Saturday. Had long meaningful conversations and that felt good. I listened and didn't have to fake it because I really wanted to know what the other person had on their mind instead of wanting them to hear what I had on mine. I realized more how little I knew about what was going on in Matts life. I have to go at 'reentry' slowly. Because like the shuttle I could burn up. I'm owed very little and have to earn the kids respect again.
Was glad to hear a little good news from the VA today and hope to hear more this week. Felt a little out of sorts today but it hit 100 so it was a little warm. Worked at Bread of Life today but just felt I didn't really contribute that much. It was so hot for everyone else too and just felt I could do more. Kept on asking so I guess I was doing OK. They know all they have to do is ask me. I try to offer encouragement to the homeless but I know its sometimes hard for them to listen. I had a real bad listening problem too. Not a hearing problem, a listening problem. I have to pray and listen and learn to be a better minister to 'those people' because I feel like one of them, I know I am. I just have safer place to lay my head at night and more food. I'm seeing what God is doing for me when I let Him. I'm going to zero in on one person next week and try to develop a closer relationship and try to know more about him. I don't know who that person is yet but I think that is where I can do the best. Not to ignore anyone but to try to do more for just one person at a time. I know that some of the folks are not truly homeless. Some have big-time substance abuse problems and for some its emotional and mental. I have to learn the right questions to ask and how to ask them. I want to help someone who is sleeping under the viaduct or in the park but I don't want to do more harm than help. Today was just a bad day for everyone and hopefully next week I can do more. I want to make a difference and today I feel like I just didn't make a difference. Maybe I did by washing some pots and pans and sharing a friendly word but I should be able to do more. I need somehow to get more active in the planning and preparation too.
Its 1:30 AM. I have a lot of days like this now and I guess thats alright. Better than being drunk and passed out. Gonna read now for a little while and I'm sure I'll fall aleep in Dads chair. Thats OK. Just gonna take it easy today, gonna be another hot one so I'll stay real close to the AC. Nap. Eat. Read. Pray. Brushing the cat is as hard as I plan on working today.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
God Club
Its working a lot better than Canadian Club. Its cheaper, won't put me in jail, doesn't leave me with a hangover and helps me make better decisions. Took a real big gulp of God Club last night. Two places within two blocks that I could get Canadian Club and that is my old standby and usual remedy but I thought I'd try this God Club last night. Luckily I had some at home
So far its working good. It makes me think slower like Canadian Club does but so far thats the only similarity I see.
So far its working good. It makes me think slower like Canadian Club does but so far thats the only similarity I see.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Got sucker punched again
Don't know what hit me and don't know why I got hit. Everything was going so good and I was trying so hard to change my life. It will take me awhile to catch my breath. The main thing is that I don't do anything foolish right now. My first instinct is to retaliate, no thats my second one, my first one is to get drunk, then retaliate. I have to avoid both. I know tonight will be a hard time sleeping. Can't concentrate on reading or watching TV. Trying to write but don't know what happened. A couple of people have told me to pray and put it in Gods hands. Thats easy for them to say. I need to be put in a strait jacket or handcuffed to the cold water pipes...and my mouth duct-taped. I know that would sound crazy to some people and I guess it sounds a little crazy to me but...I know the way I am and I'm only 3 weeks old.
Clear as mud!
I'm hoping it becomes clear to me someday what I was put here for. Maybe I didn't phrase that right. I know I was put here for Gods enjoyment and to bring glory to Him but what was my duty to others while I am here on this earthly domain. Oh, it is pretty big things I was asked to do like bring three wonderful children into the world and help a lot of kids go to college while they were defending their Country. I'm proud that He helped me to make the decision to defend it myself for many years. There were many other tasks I've been asked to perform for Him.
But I performed many other things that were NOT of His will. Because He gave me free will, when I took it back, I did a lot of things that I'm not too proud of. They didn't make the Big Guy too happy either.
Did He make me experience things like alcoholism, drug abuse, homelesness, unfaithfulness, lack of self-confidence and self-esteem for a reason? What was the fear and pain about? Those things hurt a lot! Some at the time and most for many years after. It is slowly becoming apparent to me that it was all for a reason.
I will wait for the answer and I know it will come someday, maybe while I'm a visiting here or maybe when I live in Eternity. I got time.
But I performed many other things that were NOT of His will. Because He gave me free will, when I took it back, I did a lot of things that I'm not too proud of. They didn't make the Big Guy too happy either.
Did He make me experience things like alcoholism, drug abuse, homelesness, unfaithfulness, lack of self-confidence and self-esteem for a reason? What was the fear and pain about? Those things hurt a lot! Some at the time and most for many years after. It is slowly becoming apparent to me that it was all for a reason.
I will wait for the answer and I know it will come someday, maybe while I'm a visiting here or maybe when I live in Eternity. I got time.
Monday, July 24, 2006
I recommend it
Got some new glasses recently and now I can see some stuff I couldn't see before. Some of this stuff was right in front of me for a long time and I couldn't even see it. Didn't realize how bad my sight was. I guess new glasses work differently for everyone. My vision has improved greatly. I got in for a checkup just in time. I might have gone totally blind forever. Got my ears checked too. I wasn't listening too good either. People have been telling me stuff for a long time and I couldn't hear them. Its tough when you're blind and deaf.
Gonna work on my heart next. Found out it was cold and hard. If I take the right medicine it should soften it up some. I'll have to take it daily for the rest of my life.
Been feeling a lot better lately. I'm walking a lot straighter and putting my hands together more now. My tongues not wagging as much as it used to either.
The Physician said I could live forever. That was Amazing to hear for a wretch like me. Still a sick puppy and don't want to infect anyone. My attitude still needs some therapy because some vile stuff comes pouring out of my mouth without warning.
Some people are lucky. They haven't been afflicted with some of the same illnesses I have. I bet they've been taking medicine since they were kids. I must have been hanging around some of the wrong people because I sure didn't catch it at home.
Well I got another test tomorrow so I better get ready. The clinics open everyday, its free and you don't even need an appointment. Wish I had found this place a long time ago. People told me about it but I didn't follow the directions.
Gonna work on my heart next. Found out it was cold and hard. If I take the right medicine it should soften it up some. I'll have to take it daily for the rest of my life.
Been feeling a lot better lately. I'm walking a lot straighter and putting my hands together more now. My tongues not wagging as much as it used to either.
The Physician said I could live forever. That was Amazing to hear for a wretch like me. Still a sick puppy and don't want to infect anyone. My attitude still needs some therapy because some vile stuff comes pouring out of my mouth without warning.
Some people are lucky. They haven't been afflicted with some of the same illnesses I have. I bet they've been taking medicine since they were kids. I must have been hanging around some of the wrong people because I sure didn't catch it at home.
Well I got another test tomorrow so I better get ready. The clinics open everyday, its free and you don't even need an appointment. Wish I had found this place a long time ago. People told me about it but I didn't follow the directions.
Biting my tongue and zipping my lip
Thats not normal or easy for me to do. Takes a lot of self-control and I don't have a lot of that. I can remember times when I didn't have any. When I see something I don't like or hear something I don't agree with I try to set everything and everyone straight and tell it like it is...the way it REALLY is.....whether you like it or not.
I've just learned recently that I don't know it all. Sometimes I don't even know all the right answers. Occasionally the other person is right and I am wrong. Oh, it doesn't happen often but has happened more and more lately.
I have exaggerated, told a couple of fish stories, misrepresented, prevaricated and even told a couple of tall tales in my time. But I didn't let anyone else get away with it.
I didn't learn all the Rules of the Road from the Secretary of State. Some of them I learned from people who lived on the Road...the Streets...the Viaducts and the Parks.
I used to say what I needed to say to accomplish the mission. Sometimes the mission wasn't always on the up and up......sometimes it wasn't even legal.
I used to be in the same boat that some of the people I'm trying to help now. I said what I had to say and did what I had to do. Sometimes I really believed it and sometimes I just skewed it to fit my view of reality....whatever my view of reality was that day.
Its only lately that I'm realizing little by little how lucky I have really been. Theres a lot of people that get by on a lot less than I have been blessed with.
Every time I think about 'those people' I remember that it wasn't that long ago that I was one of 'those people'. In fact I still am one of 'those people' in a lot of ways. I need the reminder every day that I should be as compassionate and understanding as I wanted people to be to me.
I've just learned recently that I don't know it all. Sometimes I don't even know all the right answers. Occasionally the other person is right and I am wrong. Oh, it doesn't happen often but has happened more and more lately.
I have exaggerated, told a couple of fish stories, misrepresented, prevaricated and even told a couple of tall tales in my time. But I didn't let anyone else get away with it.
I didn't learn all the Rules of the Road from the Secretary of State. Some of them I learned from people who lived on the Road...the Streets...the Viaducts and the Parks.
I used to say what I needed to say to accomplish the mission. Sometimes the mission wasn't always on the up and up......sometimes it wasn't even legal.
I used to be in the same boat that some of the people I'm trying to help now. I said what I had to say and did what I had to do. Sometimes I really believed it and sometimes I just skewed it to fit my view of reality....whatever my view of reality was that day.
Its only lately that I'm realizing little by little how lucky I have really been. Theres a lot of people that get by on a lot less than I have been blessed with.
Every time I think about 'those people' I remember that it wasn't that long ago that I was one of 'those people'. In fact I still am one of 'those people' in a lot of ways. I need the reminder every day that I should be as compassionate and understanding as I wanted people to be to me.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad
Dear Mom and Dad,
Happy Anniversary!
57 years ago today...2nd year together in Heaven. Couldn't afford a big fancy gift but you didn't go in for that stuff anyway. I knew you'd like the gift I got you.
All you really wanted was for me to do the right thing. You taught me right from wrong and although I didn't always follow your advice when you were physically here with me I'm working hard on it today. I'm trying to earn my spot right next to you and Dave in the Eternity that God promised us and you told me about.
I talk to you all the time and see your picture everyday...but you know that. I miss you both and Dave terribly.
I had to take a break for a few minutes...sorry...I was losing it...I'm such a mush nowadays. I know you remember when I was cold-hearted, a mean drunk and didn't have faith or a conscience. I don't know what I was thinking...probably wasn't even thinking. It all went by in a flash and you were called home too soon.
I felt for the longest time Dave left us to keep Dad company and with Dave gone too it just broke your heart beyond repair, Mom. I'm trying hard to understand it all and sometimes its very hard. Its coming together slowly...but surely.
You know what I've been up to lately and that wasn't always the case but I can't hide from you now.
I still carry the card in my wallet you gave me in 1998. It was a real low point of my life and you were praying everyday, all day for me. 'Footprints' is one of your favorites and I read it all the time now just to remind me of you. You carried me when I was a baby, God carried me all through Vietnam and everyday since.
I wish I could hug you right now but I will again someday. Talked to Bill and Ileane today and they mentioned your names over and over again. Talking about the old days and told me some stuff I never even knew about. You'll see them again someday.
Well, give Dave a big hug and kiss for me. I hope to give you the same gift again next year, if not, then I guess I'll see you but don't wait up...I plan on getting home late...whats new!
Happy Anniversary!
57 years ago today...2nd year together in Heaven. Couldn't afford a big fancy gift but you didn't go in for that stuff anyway. I knew you'd like the gift I got you.
All you really wanted was for me to do the right thing. You taught me right from wrong and although I didn't always follow your advice when you were physically here with me I'm working hard on it today. I'm trying to earn my spot right next to you and Dave in the Eternity that God promised us and you told me about.
I talk to you all the time and see your picture everyday...but you know that. I miss you both and Dave terribly.
I had to take a break for a few minutes...sorry...I was losing it...I'm such a mush nowadays. I know you remember when I was cold-hearted, a mean drunk and didn't have faith or a conscience. I don't know what I was thinking...probably wasn't even thinking. It all went by in a flash and you were called home too soon.
I felt for the longest time Dave left us to keep Dad company and with Dave gone too it just broke your heart beyond repair, Mom. I'm trying hard to understand it all and sometimes its very hard. Its coming together slowly...but surely.
You know what I've been up to lately and that wasn't always the case but I can't hide from you now.
I still carry the card in my wallet you gave me in 1998. It was a real low point of my life and you were praying everyday, all day for me. 'Footprints' is one of your favorites and I read it all the time now just to remind me of you. You carried me when I was a baby, God carried me all through Vietnam and everyday since.
I wish I could hug you right now but I will again someday. Talked to Bill and Ileane today and they mentioned your names over and over again. Talking about the old days and told me some stuff I never even knew about. You'll see them again someday.
Well, give Dave a big hug and kiss for me. I hope to give you the same gift again next year, if not, then I guess I'll see you but don't wait up...I plan on getting home late...whats new!
Saturday, July 22, 2006
I think I'll take today off
Yesterday was one of those days I've expected. Not looked forward to. Just expected.
Everything didn't go wrong. Just most of them. Switched to Comcast from AT &T for the Internet. Started out OK. Radio Shack had a special on the modem. $20 Radio Shack rebate and $80 rebate from Comcast so I made $20 on the modem plus got a $50 Radio Shack gift certificate. Pretty good so far, huh?
Well being the electronics whiz that I think I am I opted for the self-installation. Figured I save on the service call for professional installation. First mistake....of the day. That didn't work out too good so I ended up having Comcast coming out anyway. They straighted out the Internet and the modem problem and it took the rest of the day to straighten out my computers browswer and it isn't totally straighted out yet.
Basia told me the car was leaking radiator coolant. She used Stop-Leak before and it worked so using 3 bottles must be 3 times better. Not the way it works. She has the same automotive philosophy about motor oil. If filling it to the full line is good, filling it 2 inches past the line must be twice as good. Luckily I discovered that before she had problems with that too.
Had the bright idea to rearrange the furniture, wash all the floors and clean the extra bedroom that I use for storage because I don't have a basement or a garage to mess up.
Well, my back is killing me now. After crawling under the car, lifting heavy boxes, bending over to wring out the mop, moving the desk and disconecting all the wires for the computer I feel like I just had quadruplets. I don't really know how that feels but I bet it tingles a little bit.
Feel like getting high and drunk but have to settle for Naproxen and Ibuprofen.
Reading and writing keeps my mind off of it for a little while. I figured praying would help but that makes me concentrate on it even more.
Maybe Gods just giving this to me as as reminder that I'm not a kid anymore. Just like he did with the chili. Cool it off before you just gulp it down.
I missed my Bible class yesterday because of the computer guy and a meeting last night because I was dying and couldn't move off the couch.
Todays a little better but its still early yet. I can get into more trouble before noon than most people can get into all day.
Everything didn't go wrong. Just most of them. Switched to Comcast from AT &T for the Internet. Started out OK. Radio Shack had a special on the modem. $20 Radio Shack rebate and $80 rebate from Comcast so I made $20 on the modem plus got a $50 Radio Shack gift certificate. Pretty good so far, huh?
Well being the electronics whiz that I think I am I opted for the self-installation. Figured I save on the service call for professional installation. First mistake....of the day. That didn't work out too good so I ended up having Comcast coming out anyway. They straighted out the Internet and the modem problem and it took the rest of the day to straighten out my computers browswer and it isn't totally straighted out yet.
Basia told me the car was leaking radiator coolant. She used Stop-Leak before and it worked so using 3 bottles must be 3 times better. Not the way it works. She has the same automotive philosophy about motor oil. If filling it to the full line is good, filling it 2 inches past the line must be twice as good. Luckily I discovered that before she had problems with that too.
Had the bright idea to rearrange the furniture, wash all the floors and clean the extra bedroom that I use for storage because I don't have a basement or a garage to mess up.
Well, my back is killing me now. After crawling under the car, lifting heavy boxes, bending over to wring out the mop, moving the desk and disconecting all the wires for the computer I feel like I just had quadruplets. I don't really know how that feels but I bet it tingles a little bit.
Feel like getting high and drunk but have to settle for Naproxen and Ibuprofen.
Reading and writing keeps my mind off of it for a little while. I figured praying would help but that makes me concentrate on it even more.
Maybe Gods just giving this to me as as reminder that I'm not a kid anymore. Just like he did with the chili. Cool it off before you just gulp it down.
I missed my Bible class yesterday because of the computer guy and a meeting last night because I was dying and couldn't move off the couch.
Todays a little better but its still early yet. I can get into more trouble before noon than most people can get into all day.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Now you see it....now you don't
Trying to switch from AT&T DSL to Comcast Hi-Speed Cable Internet. Folowing the instructions as best I can but because I really don't know what I'm doing its kind of hit or miss. It wasn't working at all last night, kinda working now and who knows what happens next. A guy from Comcast is supposed to check it out around 8-10 this morning but I figured I better write a quick note before I screwed it up and it went out again. I don't even know if this message is going anywhere I don't understand at all whats going on here. The phone is totally disconnected and the cable is plugged in so I know I'm not going through AT&T but the Comcast icon is not showing, it doesn't appear that I'm using the Comcast browser, I can't sign on to Comcast but it looks like i'm on the Net. Like I said before, and I sure didn't say it first, some things you don't understand you just have to accept. Maybe the Comcast guy can explain it to me and get me all set up but if you can't get a hold of me its because 'Now you see it, now you don't'. I'll try to get on this blog later today. This is really all I can handle and think about this minute
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Stormin' again
Well, that respite didn't last long. Did the SSS and now ready to walk out the door and ...Boom!...here it comes again. Gotta remember though that I went out pretty late at night in some pretty bad weather to 'cop a bag'.
Whoa....FLASHBACK...I just remembered low-crawling through a free-fire zone at Camp Adenir in Danang to 'cop a bag'....and I stole that one too while the guy was sleeping. So I guess I can make it a half a block in a little rain to St Pancratius.
I shared with a friend yesterday that it just wasn't the same sitting on the couch in my living room reading as it felt sitting in the last row in St Pancratius reading. Oh its peaceful and quiet here too at 7 in the morning but it just doesn't feel the same.
And those big outstretched arms on the Cross in front of me reminds me 'Come on in'
They told me in AA if I hung around the barber shop long enough I'd eventually get a haircut. And likewise if I hung around bars I'd get drunk. So maybe if I keep on starting my day off with prayer, the Triple S and read for a while in that environment...I'll get well. Can't hurt more than I've been doing.
Whoa....FLASHBACK...I just remembered low-crawling through a free-fire zone at Camp Adenir in Danang to 'cop a bag'....and I stole that one too while the guy was sleeping. So I guess I can make it a half a block in a little rain to St Pancratius.
I shared with a friend yesterday that it just wasn't the same sitting on the couch in my living room reading as it felt sitting in the last row in St Pancratius reading. Oh its peaceful and quiet here too at 7 in the morning but it just doesn't feel the same.
And those big outstretched arms on the Cross in front of me reminds me 'Come on in'
They told me in AA if I hung around the barber shop long enough I'd eventually get a haircut. And likewise if I hung around bars I'd get drunk. So maybe if I keep on starting my day off with prayer, the Triple S and read for a while in that environment...I'll get well. Can't hurt more than I've been doing.
No easy way about it
It wasn't easy living apart from God. Living in the Lord isn't hard but it isn't easy either. People try to knock me off that square too. And, of course, the Devil pops up all over the place going 'Hey, look over here. Look what I got. Lemme show you a shortcut.'
I haven't quite figured out yet if people are purposely trying to knock me off my square, just jealous, testing my resolve or saying, 'Big Deal, you finally got it'.
There I go trying to think again. I know how much trouble that gets me in.
I've decided for the time being to just keep my blog to myself. I've told some people about it and they know where to find it...if they're interested...and I'm willing to share it....but this is mostly for me. I'm not going to push this or anything else on anybody. They gotta look for this blog and enlightenment just like I had to. But when asked, I'll be glad to share.
I didn't share all the good stuff when I was deep in my addictions and self-centeredness. Oh, once in a while I'd throw out a few morsels but I usually had an ulterior motive.
Just because reading the Bible causes me to want to know more doesn't mean other people want to know whats going on inside this squirrelcage. Its just that I don't feel as selfish anymore that I want certain people to get the same rush I'm getting. But I'll get over that too. I'm just going to share it right now with the one person who got me started in the right direction. The person I felt safest talking to in the first place.
And just like its raining and T-storming right now, everyday is not going to be sunny either. Of course I don't know how many days I have left but many of them will be miserable too.
Maybe not as many as there used to be but they should be easier to get through.
Yesterday was a good day getting introduced to Ecclesiastes. I remember Drill Sergeant Hendrix saying 'Everyday's a good day, try missing one' but, like I said, getting into it really whets my appetite. I told Luke yesterday I've owned the Bible over 40 years but never really cracked it. And from what I've read in 'Purpose-Driven Life' I'm not unlike a lot of other people. But it did look good on the shelf.
Starting the day like this is doing me some good. You get into a good routine just like you get into bad ones, I guess. Its a lot easier when you want to do something than when you're made to do something. Thats stating the obvious.
I'm requiring less sleep now too. It seems like I have more energy. Its not hard to fall asleep and hard to get up. But I'm sure those days are coming too. I'm just more anxious to start a new day, hopeful and anticipatory.
See, its perfectly quiet now. The rain stopped, the storm is gone and its getting brighter.
I guess all things DO pass.
I haven't quite figured out yet if people are purposely trying to knock me off my square, just jealous, testing my resolve or saying, 'Big Deal, you finally got it'.
There I go trying to think again. I know how much trouble that gets me in.
I've decided for the time being to just keep my blog to myself. I've told some people about it and they know where to find it...if they're interested...and I'm willing to share it....but this is mostly for me. I'm not going to push this or anything else on anybody. They gotta look for this blog and enlightenment just like I had to. But when asked, I'll be glad to share.
I didn't share all the good stuff when I was deep in my addictions and self-centeredness. Oh, once in a while I'd throw out a few morsels but I usually had an ulterior motive.
Just because reading the Bible causes me to want to know more doesn't mean other people want to know whats going on inside this squirrelcage. Its just that I don't feel as selfish anymore that I want certain people to get the same rush I'm getting. But I'll get over that too. I'm just going to share it right now with the one person who got me started in the right direction. The person I felt safest talking to in the first place.
And just like its raining and T-storming right now, everyday is not going to be sunny either. Of course I don't know how many days I have left but many of them will be miserable too.
Maybe not as many as there used to be but they should be easier to get through.
Yesterday was a good day getting introduced to Ecclesiastes. I remember Drill Sergeant Hendrix saying 'Everyday's a good day, try missing one' but, like I said, getting into it really whets my appetite. I told Luke yesterday I've owned the Bible over 40 years but never really cracked it. And from what I've read in 'Purpose-Driven Life' I'm not unlike a lot of other people. But it did look good on the shelf.
Starting the day like this is doing me some good. You get into a good routine just like you get into bad ones, I guess. Its a lot easier when you want to do something than when you're made to do something. Thats stating the obvious.
I'm requiring less sleep now too. It seems like I have more energy. Its not hard to fall asleep and hard to get up. But I'm sure those days are coming too. I'm just more anxious to start a new day, hopeful and anticipatory.
See, its perfectly quiet now. The rain stopped, the storm is gone and its getting brighter.
I guess all things DO pass.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
They just finished one
Its 6 in the morning here in Chicago but its 6 at night in Hanoi, Bangkok and Jakarta. I'm just starting a day and they just finished one. I hope I do more with today than I did with yesterday. I brought glory to God yesterday but I hope to grow and know more today.
God is still waking me up at 4 so I got a little done in the kitchen and took a shower already.
Found this Pastor Arnold from Gravette AR in TV at 4:30 AM and he sounded kind of interesting. He didn't sound like one of those 'get that buck' TV evengelists and made some sense. I can tell when some of those people are more interested in the money than they are in saving my soul. I have a real hard time with those people and I flip them off...I mean change the channel...I try not to flip people off anymore. But when I hear a meaningful message that sounds like it came from the Good Book I pay attention. I've heard some good messages on TV but seen some hocus pocus too.
Now my Uncle Bob could do some hocus pocus. But he studied Houdini and Blackstone.
Never read read the Bible in a White Castle before but I guess theres a first for everything.
Found myself at the White Castle at Archer & Kedzie for a Coke after getting off the bus.
The Big Guy led me in there. I don't have those kind of thoughts by myself.
Even tried a surprise visit to my ex-Mother-in-law yesterday. I guess its a good thing she wasn't home. The shock might have been a little too much for an 8o yr old. I better call first next time I try that.
So I know I'm changing little by little. I'm letting God do the navigating and thinking less... for myself and of myself. It seems my legs are working better too and I'm being pushed in a different direction.
I have very little plans yet for today. I'd like to go to the Bible study this afternoon at church but I'll see where He leads me. Maybe I'm supposed to help someone today.
Early in the morning is a good time for me. I've been feeling a lot more refreshed when I wake up. It seems like I'm sleeping better. I remember my Mother saying "I don't see how some people sleep at night". I'm seeing what she meant now. I sleep better at night when I keep God in mind all day. And I think clearer in the morning. Pray first, jump in the shower, open the windows (I think I'll skip that part in the winter) make a cup of coffee, read a little and then put my thoughts in writing.
I feel a lot more optimistic about the day now than I used too and not so bummed out at the end of it. I get more accomplished and it does more good than harm. 'Ya....thats the ticket'!
God is still waking me up at 4 so I got a little done in the kitchen and took a shower already.
Found this Pastor Arnold from Gravette AR in TV at 4:30 AM and he sounded kind of interesting. He didn't sound like one of those 'get that buck' TV evengelists and made some sense. I can tell when some of those people are more interested in the money than they are in saving my soul. I have a real hard time with those people and I flip them off...I mean change the channel...I try not to flip people off anymore. But when I hear a meaningful message that sounds like it came from the Good Book I pay attention. I've heard some good messages on TV but seen some hocus pocus too.
Now my Uncle Bob could do some hocus pocus. But he studied Houdini and Blackstone.
Never read read the Bible in a White Castle before but I guess theres a first for everything.
Found myself at the White Castle at Archer & Kedzie for a Coke after getting off the bus.
The Big Guy led me in there. I don't have those kind of thoughts by myself.
Even tried a surprise visit to my ex-Mother-in-law yesterday. I guess its a good thing she wasn't home. The shock might have been a little too much for an 8o yr old. I better call first next time I try that.
So I know I'm changing little by little. I'm letting God do the navigating and thinking less... for myself and of myself. It seems my legs are working better too and I'm being pushed in a different direction.
I have very little plans yet for today. I'd like to go to the Bible study this afternoon at church but I'll see where He leads me. Maybe I'm supposed to help someone today.
Early in the morning is a good time for me. I've been feeling a lot more refreshed when I wake up. It seems like I'm sleeping better. I remember my Mother saying "I don't see how some people sleep at night". I'm seeing what she meant now. I sleep better at night when I keep God in mind all day. And I think clearer in the morning. Pray first, jump in the shower, open the windows (I think I'll skip that part in the winter) make a cup of coffee, read a little and then put my thoughts in writing.
I feel a lot more optimistic about the day now than I used too and not so bummed out at the end of it. I get more accomplished and it does more good than harm. 'Ya....thats the ticket'!
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Nice try!
Its been two weeks since July 4 and I'm finding myself in the same chair, almost at the same time, its 3 in the morning, unable to sleep and weird thoughts running through my head. Maybe its not so weird, maybe yhey're normal. How would I know? I'm praying for an answer.
The thoughts are not of using or drinking or returning to my old ways but if I'm doing enough or doing the right things or if I could do something differently.
I wake up with my left leg kind of numb and burning again and with a kind of a sore throat again. I know how they both started but they kind of subsided over the last few days. I'm reasoning why thats happening and thats not good. Is it God or you Evil One trying to get my attention? If its the Devil, NICE TRY! I gave into you too many times before and you're not going to fool me this time. Or anytime again if I keep God in mind. I fell for your stuff so many times before I can't even begin to count. Because I had absolutely no protection. Like going into a gunfught with only a knife.
I'm bathing myself in the Almighty Ones protection now so don't even try. I know how you operate and I know you're nearby but God is IN me, It doesn't do any good to tell you don't try because YOU WILL.
I shouldn't even be talking to you so get the message. I'm a real slow learner too.
Getting the thoughts on paper, or the computer ( its too hard to write yet, but I got a feeling that will come back), gets them out of my head. Or at least thats the way it feels and I'm not messing with it. Did I actualy say "thats the way it feels" and "I got a feeling"? That hasn't happened in a long time. Feelings, that is.
Hey, I enjoyed it for a few days. The pain in my leg and the lump in my throat easing up. It'll go away again, I'm sure, if I have another day today like I had yesterday.
Spent most of the day at Bread of Life. Some of the guys even remembered me and I felt very comfortable sitting with them, talking and praying. It was so hot yesterday I was just soaking wet and the sweat was just pouring off of me but I didn't seem to mind. The time didn't drag by like I used to think and I didn't watch the clock at all. The guys went on their way, the work got done and it was time to go before I knew it. Before, 6 hours like that would last for days.
Now, I got it. I knew I would find the answer. I was knocked out last night. Fell out on the couch by 8 0'clock. No wonder I'm up at this time of the morning.
Well, I'm going to sit up for a while, read and maybe I'll doze off again. I feel much better now. This is good medicine. And it works better than a joint or a couple of beers...and less expensive too.
The thoughts are not of using or drinking or returning to my old ways but if I'm doing enough or doing the right things or if I could do something differently.
I wake up with my left leg kind of numb and burning again and with a kind of a sore throat again. I know how they both started but they kind of subsided over the last few days. I'm reasoning why thats happening and thats not good. Is it God or you Evil One trying to get my attention? If its the Devil, NICE TRY! I gave into you too many times before and you're not going to fool me this time. Or anytime again if I keep God in mind. I fell for your stuff so many times before I can't even begin to count. Because I had absolutely no protection. Like going into a gunfught with only a knife.
I'm bathing myself in the Almighty Ones protection now so don't even try. I know how you operate and I know you're nearby but God is IN me, It doesn't do any good to tell you don't try because YOU WILL.
I shouldn't even be talking to you so get the message. I'm a real slow learner too.
Getting the thoughts on paper, or the computer ( its too hard to write yet, but I got a feeling that will come back), gets them out of my head. Or at least thats the way it feels and I'm not messing with it. Did I actualy say "thats the way it feels" and "I got a feeling"? That hasn't happened in a long time. Feelings, that is.
Hey, I enjoyed it for a few days. The pain in my leg and the lump in my throat easing up. It'll go away again, I'm sure, if I have another day today like I had yesterday.
Spent most of the day at Bread of Life. Some of the guys even remembered me and I felt very comfortable sitting with them, talking and praying. It was so hot yesterday I was just soaking wet and the sweat was just pouring off of me but I didn't seem to mind. The time didn't drag by like I used to think and I didn't watch the clock at all. The guys went on their way, the work got done and it was time to go before I knew it. Before, 6 hours like that would last for days.
Now, I got it. I knew I would find the answer. I was knocked out last night. Fell out on the couch by 8 0'clock. No wonder I'm up at this time of the morning.
Well, I'm going to sit up for a while, read and maybe I'll doze off again. I feel much better now. This is good medicine. And it works better than a joint or a couple of beers...and less expensive too.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Should I try to figure this one out.....
....or not?
My computers acting strangely the last day or so but so have I so its not surprising. I'm the only one on it so I must've changed some settings accidentally. I've done that before. I'm sure no computer whiz and some times I just stumble on the right answer. But I guess I'm doing OK being I started from scratch on the computer. A year or so later I get my brains knocked out and had to start from scratch again.
Speaking of getting my brains knocked out. Maybe it knocked out some of the bad ideas and the old ideas too. Another big change in me namely since the accident is I have changed remarkably anti-war. Not that I was especially pro-war before but considering I was in the Army 3 separate times, past American Legion Commander, VFW Service Officer, VN vet and Army recruiter I pretty much was gung-ho on the US. Backing whatever war, skirmish or police action we were involved in at the time. I was all for 'kicking their ass' and I even wore a patch on a vets jacket that said
'Kill 'em all...let God sort 'em out' ( I'm now embarassed to say).
Sometimes I think its because I put so many people in the Army National Guard in the 80's, Desert Storm happening in 1990, Desert Shield, Iraqi Freedom and now so many National Guardsmen and Army reservists getting killed in Iraq and Afghanistan its coming back to haunt me.
I mean it definitely is a different kind of war and whats to like about it or any war for that matter but this time so many part-time soldiers are getting killed. These are guys and girls that just planned on playing Army one weekend a month and going to college the rest of the month. Regular Army people planned to do this full-time and enlisted knowing that 'war is our business, our only business and...business is good'. But National Guardsman especially. They enlisted thinking they were going to protect lives and property in the United States and were only going to back up the Regular Forces in a National emergency. Well, I look at National emergency as when the bad guys are coming on our shores. Not fighting someone elses war or fighting a war half a world away over oil.
I never was that political and I'm not going to start, especially now. I gotta work on me first. Thers a war raging in me. But I got a real bad feeling about whats going on now and how the Administration is handling it. There was the Korean War when I was born and then it was the Cuban missile crisis and the Tonkin Gulf and something going on ever since. Now all the trouble in Lebanon and Israel. Very shortly I can see us being in it big-time. And I mean REAL big-time. I might see World War III...and maybe World War IV in my lifetime. I don't want to sound so grim but I'm not the only one the feels that way. Watch CNN, MSNBC and the others.
Maybe I'm thinking too much. And thats good...and bad...depending on how you look at it and who you're talking to.
But back to 'closer to home'. I have been waking up at 4-4:30 the last two weeks. Several times I woke up at exactly 4:30. I know this because I have always had a digital clock in the bedroom (the kind with the big red numbers like everyone else has) and as soon as I wake up I look at it. I got up early going to school and in the Army. Really early as a recruiter but I'm not on any kind of schedule now for the last 3 years. I have fallen asleep easier and slept better since I was 'reborn on the 4th of July' but all of a sudden I'm getting up much earlier. The timestamp on these blogs are 2 hours earlier than it is in Chicago because it is Pacific time where the server is and we are Central.
I have thought and others have theorized that its because I'm filling my mind with just the good stuff lately and not ingesting the drugs and alcohol as I have for many years. I feel a lot of changes coming over me...physically and mentally.
So like I said 'I don't know if I should try to figure this one out'. Or just go with the flow. The flow is good right now. Real good. Some things we don't understand, we just have to accept.
Gonna go to Bread of Life today, see if I can help out some homeless guys. Going to Unique Thrift store early because its half-price day on Monday. Gonna pick up some shorts and T shirts because they seem to have quite a bit...and they're cheap. I know they can use them because its going to be 90+ again today. A few of bucks won't kill me. I don't have much and sharing is kind of new to me. There was a lot in the sizes too small for me and it looked like all of the guys I saw last week were smaller than me. I was a lot thinner too when I was on the skids. I've got some extra canned goods that I was given too and stuff I picked up along the way. I hope they'll do someone else some good. But maybe no one else eats creamed corn, beets and artichokes either...alright I'll give 'em some of the good stuff too!
Gonna check if theres any vets among them or if anyone non-vets included)needs some job-hunting or resume/application help. Maybe I can drag out some of my old vetcounseling and job-hunting skills to help someone else. I needed help before and someone helped me.
My computers acting strangely the last day or so but so have I so its not surprising. I'm the only one on it so I must've changed some settings accidentally. I've done that before. I'm sure no computer whiz and some times I just stumble on the right answer. But I guess I'm doing OK being I started from scratch on the computer. A year or so later I get my brains knocked out and had to start from scratch again.
Speaking of getting my brains knocked out. Maybe it knocked out some of the bad ideas and the old ideas too. Another big change in me namely since the accident is I have changed remarkably anti-war. Not that I was especially pro-war before but considering I was in the Army 3 separate times, past American Legion Commander, VFW Service Officer, VN vet and Army recruiter I pretty much was gung-ho on the US. Backing whatever war, skirmish or police action we were involved in at the time. I was all for 'kicking their ass' and I even wore a patch on a vets jacket that said
'Kill 'em all...let God sort 'em out' ( I'm now embarassed to say).
Sometimes I think its because I put so many people in the Army National Guard in the 80's, Desert Storm happening in 1990, Desert Shield, Iraqi Freedom and now so many National Guardsmen and Army reservists getting killed in Iraq and Afghanistan its coming back to haunt me.
I mean it definitely is a different kind of war and whats to like about it or any war for that matter but this time so many part-time soldiers are getting killed. These are guys and girls that just planned on playing Army one weekend a month and going to college the rest of the month. Regular Army people planned to do this full-time and enlisted knowing that 'war is our business, our only business and...business is good'. But National Guardsman especially. They enlisted thinking they were going to protect lives and property in the United States and were only going to back up the Regular Forces in a National emergency. Well, I look at National emergency as when the bad guys are coming on our shores. Not fighting someone elses war or fighting a war half a world away over oil.
I never was that political and I'm not going to start, especially now. I gotta work on me first. Thers a war raging in me. But I got a real bad feeling about whats going on now and how the Administration is handling it. There was the Korean War when I was born and then it was the Cuban missile crisis and the Tonkin Gulf and something going on ever since. Now all the trouble in Lebanon and Israel. Very shortly I can see us being in it big-time. And I mean REAL big-time. I might see World War III...and maybe World War IV in my lifetime. I don't want to sound so grim but I'm not the only one the feels that way. Watch CNN, MSNBC and the others.
Maybe I'm thinking too much. And thats good...and bad...depending on how you look at it and who you're talking to.
But back to 'closer to home'. I have been waking up at 4-4:30 the last two weeks. Several times I woke up at exactly 4:30. I know this because I have always had a digital clock in the bedroom (the kind with the big red numbers like everyone else has) and as soon as I wake up I look at it. I got up early going to school and in the Army. Really early as a recruiter but I'm not on any kind of schedule now for the last 3 years. I have fallen asleep easier and slept better since I was 'reborn on the 4th of July' but all of a sudden I'm getting up much earlier. The timestamp on these blogs are 2 hours earlier than it is in Chicago because it is Pacific time where the server is and we are Central.
I have thought and others have theorized that its because I'm filling my mind with just the good stuff lately and not ingesting the drugs and alcohol as I have for many years. I feel a lot of changes coming over me...physically and mentally.
So like I said 'I don't know if I should try to figure this one out'. Or just go with the flow. The flow is good right now. Real good. Some things we don't understand, we just have to accept.
Gonna go to Bread of Life today, see if I can help out some homeless guys. Going to Unique Thrift store early because its half-price day on Monday. Gonna pick up some shorts and T shirts because they seem to have quite a bit...and they're cheap. I know they can use them because its going to be 90+ again today. A few of bucks won't kill me. I don't have much and sharing is kind of new to me. There was a lot in the sizes too small for me and it looked like all of the guys I saw last week were smaller than me. I was a lot thinner too when I was on the skids. I've got some extra canned goods that I was given too and stuff I picked up along the way. I hope they'll do someone else some good. But maybe no one else eats creamed corn, beets and artichokes either...alright I'll give 'em some of the good stuff too!
Gonna check if theres any vets among them or if anyone non-vets included)needs some job-hunting or resume/application help. Maybe I can drag out some of my old vetcounseling and job-hunting skills to help someone else. I needed help before and someone helped me.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
They must have fixed the road...
...or maybe its because I'm letting someone else do the driving.
Went to a Block Party on a Saturday night yesterday and didn't drink alcohol and fall down, didn't start any fights, didn't tell any raunchy jokes, didn't insult anyone and made it home safely....completely sober. It was weird. I even saw other people there acting a little bit sane and...having a good time. People were watching their kids instead of running around acting like kids themselves. I think I even saw a little bit of praying going on. No one got hurt or arrested and the only thing I saw get broken was a balloon. I guess its legal to have those kinds of parties in Chicago now. Some people even said to me "Hope to see you again soon" Thats a new one I never heard before.
Life is going a little bit differently as of late. Better I would have to say. I'm enjoying some of the blessings that God promised lately and I guess they were there all along.
Even with the blinders on I saw other people enjoying their blessings, peace and serenity. I guess I didn't get none because I didn't let none in.
I know God knew all along what I was all about but I did the best I could not to let anyone else know. I only let people know what I wanted them to. Usually just the good stuff. There was a lot of bad stuff I tried keeping to myself. I didn't even want my parents, brothers, sister, wife and kids to know some stuff.
Now that I'm living life like an open book, baring my soul, telling the truth ( to friends and family, God knew all along), praying, turning it over and letting the Big Guy do the driving....I'm starting to see what all those people were talking about. I've been getting some bad information and hanging around the wrong people for a long time.
They're still there but I just don't see them anymore. The Devil called me a couple of weeks ago and I told him I wasn't interested in any of his games anymore. I saw him at Archer and Kedzie the other day but I avoided him and hoped he didn't see me. There were plenty of other people around and I'm sure he found someone interested in what he had to offer.
Well, on a day like today I used to get a 12-pack, maybe I'd have a little bit of weed, and I'd go hide out somewhere, maybe la-la land, waste money and time and maybe, if I was lucky, get into a little bit of mischief.
I think I'm going to go for a walk to McKinley Park, bring a book, 'Don't Know Much About The Bible' or 'A Purpose Driven Life' (I'm need to re-read the first few chapters) take a nap in the shade, gaze at the sky and try to figure how far up it goes and thank God for giving me another great day.
Basia is working 'til 10 tonight and that would ordinarily give me plenty of time to get in trouble. I could get high, drunk and clean up my act all before she got home. Maybe I'll wash the floors, do the laundry and make her a little dessert treat. That oughta freak her out!
Went to a Block Party on a Saturday night yesterday and didn't drink alcohol and fall down, didn't start any fights, didn't tell any raunchy jokes, didn't insult anyone and made it home safely....completely sober. It was weird. I even saw other people there acting a little bit sane and...having a good time. People were watching their kids instead of running around acting like kids themselves. I think I even saw a little bit of praying going on. No one got hurt or arrested and the only thing I saw get broken was a balloon. I guess its legal to have those kinds of parties in Chicago now. Some people even said to me "Hope to see you again soon" Thats a new one I never heard before.
Life is going a little bit differently as of late. Better I would have to say. I'm enjoying some of the blessings that God promised lately and I guess they were there all along.
Even with the blinders on I saw other people enjoying their blessings, peace and serenity. I guess I didn't get none because I didn't let none in.
I know God knew all along what I was all about but I did the best I could not to let anyone else know. I only let people know what I wanted them to. Usually just the good stuff. There was a lot of bad stuff I tried keeping to myself. I didn't even want my parents, brothers, sister, wife and kids to know some stuff.
Now that I'm living life like an open book, baring my soul, telling the truth ( to friends and family, God knew all along), praying, turning it over and letting the Big Guy do the driving....I'm starting to see what all those people were talking about. I've been getting some bad information and hanging around the wrong people for a long time.
They're still there but I just don't see them anymore. The Devil called me a couple of weeks ago and I told him I wasn't interested in any of his games anymore. I saw him at Archer and Kedzie the other day but I avoided him and hoped he didn't see me. There were plenty of other people around and I'm sure he found someone interested in what he had to offer.
Well, on a day like today I used to get a 12-pack, maybe I'd have a little bit of weed, and I'd go hide out somewhere, maybe la-la land, waste money and time and maybe, if I was lucky, get into a little bit of mischief.
I think I'm going to go for a walk to McKinley Park, bring a book, 'Don't Know Much About The Bible' or 'A Purpose Driven Life' (I'm need to re-read the first few chapters) take a nap in the shade, gaze at the sky and try to figure how far up it goes and thank God for giving me another great day.
Basia is working 'til 10 tonight and that would ordinarily give me plenty of time to get in trouble. I could get high, drunk and clean up my act all before she got home. Maybe I'll wash the floors, do the laundry and make her a little dessert treat. That oughta freak her out!
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Expect a few snags
Well, the throat is a little better this morning. A little. Maybe its the iced water, iced coffee, iced tea and ice cream. The Clroraseptic and the Sucrets don't help that much but I'm doing them anyway. Sure can't hurt after all the other drugs I've ingested....and these are OTC LEGAL!
Made some egg salad and some cucumber/raisin/olive/lettuce salad with French dressing salad this morning. Gonna stay away from the hot stuff for a while.
Spoke to John Scott for a half an hour today on the phone. Whatta nice guy. We just met yesterday at the Mens Bible Study at Dunkin' Donuts. I'll be talking to him once in a while and going for coffee. Its a lot better class of people I've been associating with lately than I have in the past.
My left side has been feeling better the last few days. Its been 3 years since my accident and I kind of got used to the pins and needles on my entire left side but it feels like I'm getting a little feeling back in my left hand. I'm checking it out right now and it is weird. All of a sudden, its like I'm slowly getting the feeling back in my hand. I've considered its all in my mind and thats where the whole problem started.....with a brain injury. Is it because I'm using the brain God gave me instead of abusing it like I have before. I know I'm more receptive now to what God wants me to know and feel. Maybe its because I'm not shutting out the Great Physician. I asked God for a long time to show me something and maybe I didn't see Him or know Him because I stood in the doorway and wouldn't let Him in.
I will keep on doing what I'm doing because I am seeing God working in my life and others too.
I wondered why He didn't tell me the chili was so hot but figured He was telling me that I still had to use common sense. He would be a lump in my throat for a couple of days as a reminder.
Its been a very good couple of weeks and I can't ask why He didn't come to my rescue sooner. Its all in Gods time. Several people in my life, very important ones, have told me I needed to and I could invite Him in but I didn't heed their advice. I was a stubborn know-it-all most of my life, even as a little kid.
I never put my thoughts in writing before and I have had a lot of them. Some not so good. But they're flowing more freely now and they're all positive. God must have some kind of plan for me but I'll just wait until he makes it obvious to me. I'll just keep on doing the right thing for now and wait anxiosly.
Made some egg salad and some cucumber/raisin/olive/lettuce salad with French dressing salad this morning. Gonna stay away from the hot stuff for a while.
Spoke to John Scott for a half an hour today on the phone. Whatta nice guy. We just met yesterday at the Mens Bible Study at Dunkin' Donuts. I'll be talking to him once in a while and going for coffee. Its a lot better class of people I've been associating with lately than I have in the past.
My left side has been feeling better the last few days. Its been 3 years since my accident and I kind of got used to the pins and needles on my entire left side but it feels like I'm getting a little feeling back in my left hand. I'm checking it out right now and it is weird. All of a sudden, its like I'm slowly getting the feeling back in my hand. I've considered its all in my mind and thats where the whole problem started.....with a brain injury. Is it because I'm using the brain God gave me instead of abusing it like I have before. I know I'm more receptive now to what God wants me to know and feel. Maybe its because I'm not shutting out the Great Physician. I asked God for a long time to show me something and maybe I didn't see Him or know Him because I stood in the doorway and wouldn't let Him in.
I will keep on doing what I'm doing because I am seeing God working in my life and others too.
I wondered why He didn't tell me the chili was so hot but figured He was telling me that I still had to use common sense. He would be a lump in my throat for a couple of days as a reminder.
Its been a very good couple of weeks and I can't ask why He didn't come to my rescue sooner. Its all in Gods time. Several people in my life, very important ones, have told me I needed to and I could invite Him in but I didn't heed their advice. I was a stubborn know-it-all most of my life, even as a little kid.
I never put my thoughts in writing before and I have had a lot of them. Some not so good. But they're flowing more freely now and they're all positive. God must have some kind of plan for me but I'll just wait until he makes it obvious to me. I'll just keep on doing the right thing for now and wait anxiosly.
Friday, July 14, 2006
Dumb and dumber and oh ya, dumbest
This is the dumbest thing I've ever done. I did some dumb things, some dangerous things and some dastardly deeds but this takes the cake. This is the worst sore throat I've ever had. Its 24 hrs later and it hurts like....well you know what. I called the hospital, wrote Yahoo Answers, looked on the Internet and asked neighbors. They all said the same thing. "That was dumb"! Been laying around all day since I got home from my Mens Bible Study group at 9AM. I fell asleep a couple of time but when I breathe tthrough my mouth it hurts worse. From all I hear and read I guess I'm gonna have to sweat this one out and it feels like its gonna be a few days. Its a sure cure to stop yelling and hollering but I don't recommend it. I went to Walgreens at 5:30 this morning and got some Chloraseptic sore throat spray and Sucrets throat lozenges. They don't help too much but at least my wallet is lighter. Gonna find a meeting tonight to try to take my mind off of it for a while but I'm sure its like a lot of other problems I've avoided....it'll still be there. Drinking a lot of ice water and that goes real well with the water pill I take. Hope I don't wear a path between the bed and the toilet.
Whats new?
Did a REAL dumb thing yesterday. Tasted some chili in the pot while it was cooking and didn't check how hot it was first like my Mama taught me and burned the heck out of my throat. It happened yesterday afternoon and I had a little discomfort at first but here it is over 15 hours later and I have a real sore throat. Kind of feels like I have a lump deep in my throat too.
Don't have any difficulty breathing and that ran through my mind last night before I went to sleep. Got up at 4 and called the emergency room at the VA for ideas it hurt so bad. She said take Tylenol and try throat lozenges and AVOID HOT CHILI....they say laughter is the best medicine but it is not working in this case. Must have burnt my vocal cords too because my voice sounds a little deeper and raspy this morning. Hope it doesn't get any worse or I have to go into Emergency!
Don't have any difficulty breathing and that ran through my mind last night before I went to sleep. Got up at 4 and called the emergency room at the VA for ideas it hurt so bad. She said take Tylenol and try throat lozenges and AVOID HOT CHILI....they say laughter is the best medicine but it is not working in this case. Must have burnt my vocal cords too because my voice sounds a little deeper and raspy this morning. Hope it doesn't get any worse or I have to go into Emergency!
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Got my medical degree from Crackerjack
Went to the VA yesterday and told the Dr I wanted to stop the Prozac and cut down on the meds. I have been taking Prozac for 10 years. I wasn't that consistent with my medications over the years although I have gotten better over the last year. I thought about it many times because I didn't want to take them all forever. I haven't had any alcohol or drugs (illegal ones that is) for about 3 weeks and have only had 2 cigarettes in the last month at least. I feel OK and my attitude has improved some. I have only had a couple of minor bouts with temper and have felt kind of hopeful lately. I feel its because of my involvement with the church, praying, reading, AA meetings and talking it out. I have made a lot of new friends, done some service work, journaling and generally staying busier. I am going to try to get involved with a mens church group.
I have totally changed my lifestyle and I'm seeking everyday to better myself. I'm trying to eat better and do a little exercise.
The Dr said he couldn't force me to take the Prozac but if I was going to stop it I had to ease off of it. Cut it by a third for a week, cut it in half for a week and then stop it.
If I felt I needed it again I would have to slowly increase it then. He told me to give him a call if I felt I needed to. Because of its half-life I have to gradually decrease it just like I had to gradually increase it.
I need the Gabapentin because the nerve pain gets a little too much. I have to stay on the blood pressure meds but the water pill, Naproxen and muscle relaxer as needed. I'm going to stick with the acid reflux meds for the time being and I'm not going to ask that the acetominophen w/codiene get refilled July 31. I have been off that for a month or so. I'm getting my prostate checked July 31 and asking for the blood test for prostate cancer because of my family history. I wouldn't be surprised if its slightly enlarged because I have to get up twice a night to go potty. When brother David invited Jesus into his life and quit drinking thats when the cancer hit him. I hope that doesn't happen to me. But if it ever does I hope I take it like a man like he did.
Went to the dentist today and Dr Mraz said everything is healing fine with the gums. He said he'll do the reline one at a time starting at the end of August but he said I'm sounding better and it should continue to improve. He trimmed a little more off the bottom denture so I would have a little more room for my tongue.
So I treated myself to some homemade chili and took an afternoon nap. Good logic, huh?
I have totally changed my lifestyle and I'm seeking everyday to better myself. I'm trying to eat better and do a little exercise.
The Dr said he couldn't force me to take the Prozac but if I was going to stop it I had to ease off of it. Cut it by a third for a week, cut it in half for a week and then stop it.
If I felt I needed it again I would have to slowly increase it then. He told me to give him a call if I felt I needed to. Because of its half-life I have to gradually decrease it just like I had to gradually increase it.
I need the Gabapentin because the nerve pain gets a little too much. I have to stay on the blood pressure meds but the water pill, Naproxen and muscle relaxer as needed. I'm going to stick with the acid reflux meds for the time being and I'm not going to ask that the acetominophen w/codiene get refilled July 31. I have been off that for a month or so. I'm getting my prostate checked July 31 and asking for the blood test for prostate cancer because of my family history. I wouldn't be surprised if its slightly enlarged because I have to get up twice a night to go potty. When brother David invited Jesus into his life and quit drinking thats when the cancer hit him. I hope that doesn't happen to me. But if it ever does I hope I take it like a man like he did.
Went to the dentist today and Dr Mraz said everything is healing fine with the gums. He said he'll do the reline one at a time starting at the end of August but he said I'm sounding better and it should continue to improve. He trimmed a little more off the bottom denture so I would have a little more room for my tongue.
So I treated myself to some homemade chili and took an afternoon nap. Good logic, huh?
Very unusual schedule
Well, maybe not so unusual. Different for me. But it works. And if its not broke, don't fix it. Been getting up earlier in the morning. Taking naps during the day. Thats new for me. Got up early before on and off but NEVER took a nap during the day.
Lotta things different lately. Going to church...and ENJOYING it it...on a WEDNESDAY! Whats got into me? Oh ya, I know what. And other people know what too.
Went to Renewal last night at New Life. Thats it for a while but there is always something new happening and I like that. I've been on the same merry-go-round for a long time and it was boring, monotonous, expensive, in terms of money and my health and generally not good for me and others.
Checking out a couple of Home Groups now. One tomorrow, Friday morning at Dunkin'Donuts and one Wednesday afternoon at church. See which one fits best. Maybe they'll both fit.
Worry about doing too much at once. But how could that be bad for me? Staying out of trouble...feeling better...making new friends...responding to people and people responding to me differently....Whats wrong with that?
Talked to Theresa last night and she asked me if I would like to go with her, Mary and Pete to Illinois State to see Matt some Saturday at the end of July. I was thrilled.
That would NEVER happen for the OLD PAUL. She still has to put it all together and coordinate everyones schedules but just the thought of it blows my mind. I haven't done anything like that for a very long time and didn't see that EVER happening again but accepting Jesus, knowing God, entering a NEW LIFE is making it all possible. Not DEFINITE but POSSIBLE. Where have I heard that all things are possible? I'll have to look that up today.
Another thing new. I'm carrying around a notepad and voice recorder to help me remember some of the thoughts I have throughout the day. I call them 'profound revelations' but I usually forget them if I don't record them somehow. Just trying a few new things. OK, a lot of new things. I had to totally revamp my life because I was going nowhere fast. Wasting away my life and doing no good, for myself or anyone else. Well, going to clean up and read for a while
Lotta things different lately. Going to church...and ENJOYING it it...on a WEDNESDAY! Whats got into me? Oh ya, I know what. And other people know what too.
Went to Renewal last night at New Life. Thats it for a while but there is always something new happening and I like that. I've been on the same merry-go-round for a long time and it was boring, monotonous, expensive, in terms of money and my health and generally not good for me and others.
Checking out a couple of Home Groups now. One tomorrow, Friday morning at Dunkin'Donuts and one Wednesday afternoon at church. See which one fits best. Maybe they'll both fit.
Worry about doing too much at once. But how could that be bad for me? Staying out of trouble...feeling better...making new friends...responding to people and people responding to me differently....Whats wrong with that?
Talked to Theresa last night and she asked me if I would like to go with her, Mary and Pete to Illinois State to see Matt some Saturday at the end of July. I was thrilled.
That would NEVER happen for the OLD PAUL. She still has to put it all together and coordinate everyones schedules but just the thought of it blows my mind. I haven't done anything like that for a very long time and didn't see that EVER happening again but accepting Jesus, knowing God, entering a NEW LIFE is making it all possible. Not DEFINITE but POSSIBLE. Where have I heard that all things are possible? I'll have to look that up today.
Another thing new. I'm carrying around a notepad and voice recorder to help me remember some of the thoughts I have throughout the day. I call them 'profound revelations' but I usually forget them if I don't record them somehow. Just trying a few new things. OK, a lot of new things. I had to totally revamp my life because I was going nowhere fast. Wasting away my life and doing no good, for myself or anyone else. Well, going to clean up and read for a while
Monday, July 10, 2006
I got paid today
Helped out at Bread of Life today for the homeless. What a good experience. Served food, talked to some guys, did dishes, cleaned up. Reminds me of where I used to be and I need to be constantly reminded how easy it is to return there. It wasn't that long ago I was homeless too and the stories were all too familiar. Heard a couple of excuses and lies that I have used before so I wasn't at all surprised to hear them. I am very fortunate to have met some very caring, compassionate and loving people who have helped me back on the right path. I need to do the same for others. I remember when it was hard to have hope and much easier to wallow in despair. Its not easy to do the right thing but its a lot more satisfying. I also remember when volunteering 6 hours to help someone else was a chore. Today I felt I got more out of it than they did.
Met with Pastor Luke today for an hour, did a little Bible study, prayed and just talked. I was thinking about leaving this area someday but now I'm having second thoughts. Maybe this is just where I need to be. I'm sure God will tell me.
Met with Pastor Luke today for an hour, did a little Bible study, prayed and just talked. I was thinking about leaving this area someday but now I'm having second thoughts. Maybe this is just where I need to be. I'm sure God will tell me.
Got into it & felt part of it
Went to New Life for the 10:30AM service yesterday. Really started to get into it and feel part of it. Meeting more and more people and starting to really feel at home there. Was invited to a block party next Saturday at 7PM at 42nd and Normal by Jeff Rieman. We're setting up a tent, making some hot coffee, iced coffee and iced tea. Inviting people to stop by and chat with New Life family. Donna introduced me to Bill Hayes, he lives nearby so he can give me a ride to and from church each week.
Going to Bread of Life to meet and share with people who have been in the same predicament as me about 11 AM. Have a meeting with Pastor Luke at 3PM. Got up at 7AM and sat alone in Dads chair and read Ch 4 of Purpose driven Life, prayed and read a little Bible. It was my quiet time. Felt a lot better starting the day that way.
Going to Bread of Life to meet and share with people who have been in the same predicament as me about 11 AM. Have a meeting with Pastor Luke at 3PM. Got up at 7AM and sat alone in Dads chair and read Ch 4 of Purpose driven Life, prayed and read a little Bible. It was my quiet time. Felt a lot better starting the day that way.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Went to New Life at 51st and Keeler because it said in the AA directory that there was a meeting there at 7pm. Got there at 6:45pm but there was no one there. Waited about 10 minutes and nobody else showed up. Guess thats why theres not a meeting there anymore. Or maybe everyone around Midway got well and there was no need for AA anymore. So I got on the train at Pulaski and got off at Ashland. I was sure there were still plenty of drunks in Bridgeport and I was right. The meeting at the New Valentine Alano Club at Archer and Lock started at 8pm so I was early. Haven't been there for several years but I recognized a couple of faces. Guess they didn't get well yet.
Wanna fight?
I had a good example, a very vivid example of how when you're not looking for the Devil, he's still looking for you. The phone rang yesterday and I answered it without looking at the caller ID. I usually do but I was in the kitchen and the caller ID is on my desk. A guy called me (I'm not saying his name and I don't think he'll call again) that I met 17-18 years ago. I saw him again about 8 months ago so he knew I was in the telephone book and back in the neighborhood. He asked me if I wanted a new connection for some dope. He said the guy was reliable, gave a good count and he delivers. In 40 years of drinking and drugging I never had someone knock on my door or call me with an offer like that. I always had to make the phone calls, travel on buses, trains and cars to get high. I been stood up, cheated and ripped off. After 40 years in the ozone I get a call like that 3 days after I give my life to Jesus and swear off all mind-altering substances. I haven't had a drop in a couple of weeks but don't even know my sobriety date. Its somewhere in the 2nd half of June 2006 and the last time I got high was the end of June 2006. I don't know why exactly it happened that way but the 4th of July 2006 was the day that I surrendered. Kind of 'reborn' on the 4th of July. It was my Independence Day and now the only thing or person I'm dependent on is Jesus. Today when I went to the Mens Breakfast at church I had to walk from Archer and Halsted to 31st and Normal because the 44 Wallace/Racine bus doesn't reun on Saturday and there was no Halsted bus in sight. It was 7:45 so I figured I better hoof it. I went past 2722 S Emerald and 2930 S Normal. I had already walked past my first home at 32nd and Normal Wednesday. Three houses that I've lived in and I end up back to Normal. My legs are feeling a little bit better today. I don't know whats going on or if its all in my mind or not. I'll be walking everyday because something is going on. I can't say it is all a coincidence because too much has happened this week.
The Mens breakfast was really nice. It was in the old Kooger dining room and I visited and sat on the bench in Sunday school that I last sat on I bet almost 50 years ago. A lot of things were just the same as they were then. Talk about a nostalgia trip. As I stood in the dining room I imagined Grandma, Aunt Gertie and my Mom being in the same room like they were many times before. I could almost see the Ladies Aid making blankets and quilts.
I met a lot of new friends and one of the guys had his Dad in from Mexico where he is a Pastor there. First time I been prayed for in Spanish. Ken spoke, we sang and we prayed...oh ya, had breakfast.
I'm not looking for a fight with the Devil but when he comes for me again and I'm sure he will ( I bet I made him mad this week) I'm ready. I got my armor on now and I'm not taking it off. I got reinforcements too and I'll call them out too if I have to. This is a different kind of fight than I've ever been in and I'm winning this time
The Mens breakfast was really nice. It was in the old Kooger dining room and I visited and sat on the bench in Sunday school that I last sat on I bet almost 50 years ago. A lot of things were just the same as they were then. Talk about a nostalgia trip. As I stood in the dining room I imagined Grandma, Aunt Gertie and my Mom being in the same room like they were many times before. I could almost see the Ladies Aid making blankets and quilts.
I met a lot of new friends and one of the guys had his Dad in from Mexico where he is a Pastor there. First time I been prayed for in Spanish. Ken spoke, we sang and we prayed...oh ya, had breakfast.
I'm not looking for a fight with the Devil but when he comes for me again and I'm sure he will ( I bet I made him mad this week) I'm ready. I got my armor on now and I'm not taking it off. I got reinforcements too and I'll call them out too if I have to. This is a different kind of fight than I've ever been in and I'm winning this time
Friday, July 07, 2006
Staying too busy to get in trouble
Went to an AA meeting at the Chicago Area Service Office downtown at 12:10. Little bit of everybody there. We're everywhere...we're everywhere! Bought a big-print version of the New International Version Bible at Borders. I may be going blind but at least its not Braille. Maybe if I smoked carrots instead of everything else I wouldn't have this problem. Went to Millenium Park to read for awhile. I brought my lawn chair and picked up a sub and Coke (Coca-Cola) at Subway.
Went to a recovery meeting at New Life at 5101 S. Keeler. It was different than an AA or NA meeting. There were people with drugs, alcohol, gambling addictions and who knows what else. It is Christ-centered and pretty good. I like it. Gotta get up early to make it to church tomorrow for a Mens breakfast at 8AM.
Went to a recovery meeting at New Life at 5101 S. Keeler. It was different than an AA or NA meeting. There were people with drugs, alcohol, gambling addictions and who knows what else. It is Christ-centered and pretty good. I like it. Gotta get up early to make it to church tomorrow for a Mens breakfast at 8AM.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
OK, lets start all over again
Spoke to Pastor Luke on the phone yesterday. Told him everything. Everything. Let him read my blog. Its hard enough for me to be honest with family...but strangers? Its my only hope. To be honest with God, myself and others. Have an appointment to meet with him at the church at 2:30 today. If I am anything...I am on time.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Independence Day
Today is Independence Day. Its just a coincidence but I have decided today to gain my independence from drugs and alcohol. Talk about being sick and tired of being sick and tired, well I'm sick...and tired. I am slowly destroying myself and if I don't do something quick....I'll be going in the hole real soon. You name it, I've done it. I am an addict. I need help. It's 4 o'clock in the morning and I am up because I can't sleep. I am so disgusted with myself that I can only toss and turn. I thought I had the alcohol addiction under control, mainly because I just can't handle it anymore. Between my brain injury and the medication I'm on, the littlest bit of alcohol just makes me fall down and pass out. I haven't had whiskey for quite some time but I have drank beer recently. I make cruel phone calls, talk jibberish and become angry. I just replace one addiction for another one.
I will admit my addiction today to someone that I trust and seek ways to cleanse my system, improve my thoughts, actions and deeds. I have tried many times before but not quite this way, not quite this earnest, not quite as desperate.
My health is not that good and I will eventually, slowly, painfully destroy my body if I don't reach out, admit my addictions and change my lifestyle real soon.
My addictions have caused me to be selfish, uncaring , unloving, angry, confused, unmotivated, and just generally not a very nice person.
I have put myself in dangerous situations while under the influence but worse...put others in danger.
I have lied, cheated and stole to feed my addictions. I have destroyed jobs, relationships, reputation and futures.
I must start a new future today because my old future looks very grim.
I know that I must be honest with myself and others. That has always been a difficult thing for me but it is my only hope.
Sometimes my body and my attitude is so burnt out that it seems like there is little flicker left.
I don't expect to rebuild some relationships soon, some maybe never. But I must at least try. Some of the blame that I put on others destroying our relationship should have been on me. But my addictions clouded my thinking so much that it was just easier blaming others. I am still at war but I am the enemy. No one has hurt me more than I have.
I am very lucky to have the relationships that I do but I will destroy them if I don't change.
I have to get this off of my chest and I have never put it in writing before. I have to do something different this time and I have to do it today. I have had very good parents and many opportunities. I don't know how I got this way but I have to rewire. Sometimes I have good intentions and good thoughts but I am not consistent. Whether I live a day, a week or more I can't live being so disgusted with my self. Every day is worse than the last.
Maybe I will gain my independence this time. Like I said, its only a coincidence today is the 4th of July. Its an inside job and I start now.
I will admit my addiction today to someone that I trust and seek ways to cleanse my system, improve my thoughts, actions and deeds. I have tried many times before but not quite this way, not quite this earnest, not quite as desperate.
My health is not that good and I will eventually, slowly, painfully destroy my body if I don't reach out, admit my addictions and change my lifestyle real soon.
My addictions have caused me to be selfish, uncaring , unloving, angry, confused, unmotivated, and just generally not a very nice person.
I have put myself in dangerous situations while under the influence but worse...put others in danger.
I have lied, cheated and stole to feed my addictions. I have destroyed jobs, relationships, reputation and futures.
I must start a new future today because my old future looks very grim.
I know that I must be honest with myself and others. That has always been a difficult thing for me but it is my only hope.
Sometimes my body and my attitude is so burnt out that it seems like there is little flicker left.
I don't expect to rebuild some relationships soon, some maybe never. But I must at least try. Some of the blame that I put on others destroying our relationship should have been on me. But my addictions clouded my thinking so much that it was just easier blaming others. I am still at war but I am the enemy. No one has hurt me more than I have.
I am very lucky to have the relationships that I do but I will destroy them if I don't change.
I have to get this off of my chest and I have never put it in writing before. I have to do something different this time and I have to do it today. I have had very good parents and many opportunities. I don't know how I got this way but I have to rewire. Sometimes I have good intentions and good thoughts but I am not consistent. Whether I live a day, a week or more I can't live being so disgusted with my self. Every day is worse than the last.
Maybe I will gain my independence this time. Like I said, its only a coincidence today is the 4th of July. Its an inside job and I start now.
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